tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post9032363837601018499..comments2014-08-12T15:55:59.876-07:00Comments on Page Me Fantasmic: From Gimmick to SubstanceAnette J Kreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post-60591900624126850812009-03-04T05:15:00.000-08:002009-03-04T05:15:00.000-08:00Yeah, I wasn't sure if it would be helpful since I...Yeah, I wasn't sure if it would be helpful since I don't know your entire plot, but sometimes just seeing it a different way can help you revise your own. Good luck!Davin Malasarnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09385823575081492949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post-64246713554208824012009-03-03T06:51:00.000-08:002009-03-03T06:51:00.000-08:00Davin - I do follow a three "paragraph" form, thou...Davin - I do follow a three "paragraph" form, though it is different than yours (and I've not succeeded in getting my plot into one paragraph).<BR/><BR/>My three are:<BR/>Hook paragraph<BR/>Plot/synopsis paragraph<BR/>Closing details paragraph (title, word count, and publication experience (which I have none))<BR/><BR/>I've actually read advice that explicitly said NOT to include a "I'm querying you because you represent books X and Y" sentence. The articles said that agents are really more interested in your hook and story. <BR/><BR/>I do really like what you've done in that middle paragraph though. I've never gotten it down to that short. Some of the details aren't quite right, but there's no way you could know that. :) <BR/><BR/>Part of what's been making this task challenging for me is that most details in my book appear one way at one time, but are really another way, but I think you did a great job of boiling it down. <BR/><BR/>I've already updated to v4.0, but I'll probably take a leaf out of your example for v5.0. Thanks for your helpful suggestions!Anette J Kreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15675193405511996480noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post-75919840840373771572009-03-03T04:57:00.000-08:002009-03-03T04:57:00.000-08:00Hi Anette, You query is getting tighter and tigher...Hi Anette, <BR/>You query is getting tighter and tigher, and I think you are doing good work on it. I thought I'd try to force your letter into a more standard 3-paragraph format that I have learned to use when querying. It really strips the story down to bare bones, so you may hate it, but this is the format that I've seen used most often in my limited experience. Maybe you'll find it helpful or maybe not.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Dear agent X,<BR/><BR/>I'm querying you because I feel that my work is similar to books that you represent, such as YYY and ZZZ. My novel, Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 97,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.<BR/><BR/>Sixteen-yr-old dreamer Paige Moss is stunned when a bat-like kyter, Maisen, kidnaps her and forces her into his violence-riddled colony. Paige realizes that she is not Maisen's first victim in his quest to unite the world - a vision of good aims but all the wrong means. Her sister Savannah is caught in the middle of a civil war between kyter factions, and when Paige tries to intervene, Maisen imprisons her in a sea cave. Paige befriends some colony members who rescue her, but she finds out that Maisen has escaped. He organizes a rogue onslaught to attack Paige's own capital. Paige must organize her own army to defend it, and through the experience, she emerges as an angel undercover. <BR/><BR/>My stories have appeared in [mention this if you have any publications, if not, ignore it]. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you.<BR/><BR/>Sincerely,<BR/><BR/>AnetteDavin Malasarnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09385823575081492949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post-24118026724634972362009-02-28T17:05:00.000-08:002009-02-28T17:05:00.000-08:00I just sent you an email with a critique of your q...I just sent you an email with a critique of your query. Hope it helps! You said to be honest. As always, ignore what isn't helpful and you don't agree with. :)Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448381042843733953.post-2975554629008970992009-02-28T07:18:00.000-08:002009-02-28T07:18:00.000-08:00I like it! I do have a couple suggestions though:F...I like it! I do have a couple suggestions though:<BR/><BR/>First of all, you always want to start with your main character. The first sentence would probably be better as <BR/><BR/>"Teenager Paige Moss has no choice but to intervene when a kyter named Maisen uses her older sister as a tool in his world uniting vision- a vision of good aims and all the wrong means."<BR/><BR/>Also, besides being described as 'bat-like' I really have no idea what a kyter is! Maybe it's just me, but you use the word a lot in your query, and it left me a little confused.<BR/><BR/>Hope my tips helped you! Good luck on the querying front!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07615258719942916382noreply@blogger.com